Life and death...

Things can turn so quickly. From good to bad, to awful, to shocked, to relieved to saddened and heartbroken. Various emotions for an assortment of events that occurred since my last entry. I rebounded from my breakdown after a few days, as I usually do. Sadly, I had a few people really worried, sorry. I mostly keep my feelings inside but I was so frustrated with so much all at once that my last entry, I hoped, would help me get it out and try to get back on an even keel. Then an angel swooped in out of the blue. A friend who shall be simply *S* came forward and handed me a cheque for the total amount of my disability repayment. She wanted nothing in return. I was and still am speechless, how many people can just give that kind of money away? She insisted, I cried. Those who know me well, know how difficult it is for me to accept from others, this was more than I could ever imagine. Thank you *S*, as I've always said, you are a God-send to me in so many ways. So with that stress off my shoulders, I let my guard down I guess you could say, and I get sick. Not cancer sick, cold sick. Between stuffy, drippy, coughing, and, well, I won't describe anymore functions that are out of whack, I've been feeling miserable. I am at the tail end of my cold, thankfully. But new problem. I have a ver sharp, burning pain in my right breast. I can't find any lumps, but holy heck does it hurt. Thankfully I have my oncologist appointment day after tomorrow which includes an x-ray and bloodwork. Hopefully we can figure out what is going on.

I know this is my blog about my cancer journey, but as a mother, with 4 children, my youngest being 9 and 12, I must mention the 20 angels who lost their lives far too soon and to the adults who lost theirs as well, on Friday in Newtown, Connecticut. I cannot even fathom what these parents, families and friends must be going through. Regardless of your beliefs or non-belief, please keep these families and this community in your thoughts and/or prayers this holiday season. Makes my problems seem so small. Thank you.

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hochsprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

Overwhelmed

Today I had an emotional breakdown. I shouldn't say had, more so still having. My son refused to go to school again today, that set me off. *I* had to take the dog out for a walk, when he is paid to do it. That is going to stop. I am so worried about paying back this stupid overpayment to the government. Found out that because we are a family, hubby is liable too, so even when I die, he will still be responsible for MY bill. Yesterday I was told I committed fraud by not reporting the other payment. I felt like a criminal. I honestly didn't know. They made me feel horrible. They should be charged for taking a year to find the error. Going through so much red tape to get my oral terceva renewed, between the cancer clinic, my pharmacy, the drug company, my insurance, my doctor and the cancer pharmacy, you wouldn't think it should take this long to get things organized. But that's okay I will just sit here and die a little faster while you all sit on your asses. Apparently I'm angry too, who knew. I wanted this to be a wonderful Christmas (in case it's my last) Didn't get nearly the things I wanted to get for the kids (no funds).  I still have bladder and bowel issues I am dealing with on a daily basis. I can't catch up on housework. I have longtime friends and family who seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am sure there are more things but perhaps I'm lucky I have short time memory loss or I might end up in the loony bin.

Woe is me, yeah, so what.

Oh I forgot something, on top of that, I got a bloody nose for the first time in my life. hurray!

FML (sorry)

And yes, I am *very* aware there are people with much bigger problems in this world.