My Final Resting Place

I will be cremated and interred at St. Mary's Cemetery. This is the columbarium. This is a photo of the entire structure and then a closeup of my 'spot'. I am on the right (facing the photo) 3 squares up from the bottom (you can see the reflection of my friend :) ). I removed personal information from the stone above mine. My space overlooks the baby burial ground. For those who know me well, that's fitting, don't you think?

Breathe in, and hold.....while I stab you with a long needle

Here is a very recent photo of me, my peach fuzz is so soft :)

I had forgotten to tell you something from my last appointment. Although I am being given a lower dose of tarceva now in hope that I don't have eye flare ups again and other issues that might be a result of the med, my oncologist, Dr.T, has given me another option. There is a recent new oral chemo that I may be able to change over to. But nothing is ever as easy as that. You may remember long ag that I was tested for a gene that would have allowed me to take the first oral chemo drug available. I was not a match. I had to go through treatment with IV chemo instead. This is the same thing, my tumors must have a specific gene in order to allow me to take it. Why the possible change? Well, my tumors are growing slightly and the tarceva may be wearing out it's usefulness. The first gene testing was done with the original lung biopsy sample done way back in 2009. That biopsy was originally done to determine whether my cancer was benign or malignant, but there was enough to test for the gene as well for the first chemo drug. Now I have to have a new biopsy done so they can take a new sample and test it to see if I am a candidate for this new oral chemo. I don't know the name of it, she may have told me, but I've forgotten. This procedure will take place on Thursday. The first biopsy scared the bejeepers out of me, it feels like your lung collapses and for a few split seconds I feel like I can't breathe. If you are claustophobic like I am, you will understand the scariness. Hopefully it will go off without a hitch. This how they will do mine, through the ribs, through my back, I will be face down.

Words.

As you know, I have had many, many appointments in the last few weeks. Yesterday was the day I learned the results of those tests.  I was examined by a resident, new to my team. He was a nice gentleman, a little rough to my frail bones but I let him know when it hurt, he said sorry a lot. Everything was fine through the exam. As you may remember I was taken off my oral chemo, tarceva for several reasons, specifically trying to get to the root of several issues I was having. The conclusion of that experiment was that the blepharitis in my eyes was a direct result of the oral chemo. It has  completely cleared up, I am ecstatic about that. No more feeling of sand encrusted eyes. We don't know whether the medication I was put on for my bladder issues cleared up because of that or because of the removal of the oral chemo meds from my system, but that's gone too. My bowel issues have also cleared up.  So you'd think I'd be overjoyed, right? Not so much. The results from my testing came back. The dreaded word I hated to hear.  It is the ONE word I never want to hear: "Growing".  :(  My oncologist tried to convince me that they were only minute growths, "Only a millimeter or two, it's so small."  I don't care if it grew a foot, it GREW! 5 of my tumors are growing.  The more it grows the closer I am to death. Let's face it people, the damn disease is not going to go away. I also have diverticulosis
which was found during my cystoscopy. So, I'm in a downer mood right now. My oral chemo is going to a lower dose so I can go back on it and hopefully my eyes won't flare up again. I also got my appetite back. Blah!! I gained 4 pounds because I'm always hungry now, hopefully the chemo will kick in quick so my weight can get back into the area I was headed before, DOWN!!. My port is really bothering me, it's painful and uncomfortable and nothing can be done. Well that's all I have for you friends and family.



Speaking of "Words", a friend posted this on facebook and it suits me. I'd like to share it with all of you.

~♥ After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn..


 The Social Butterfly 
https://www.facebook.com/TheSocialButterflyCommunity